Reporter’s note: I went to Ibadan last Christmas with the hope of spending yuletide in the home of a positive couple, just to capture their coping strategy and peculiar challenges. When I got there, I realized the hosting couple was actually holed up in Abuja. Not wanting to waste the trip, I quickly settled for a Christmas lunch with the opportunity of an interview at the home of Mary Adesegan when the opportunity came up. We enjoyed a sumptuous Nigerian meal of pounded yam and efo riri, spiced to the brim with iru and eran orisirisi. At the end of the meal, Mrs. Adesegan asked the permission of her kids to share her story with me. When I asked why that was necessary, she told me they have bared the pain together, and that their opinion matter. She is very active in her support group and is the deputy president of the Positive Life Association of Nigeria (PLAN), but this is her first time of really coming open about her status in the media.

Many women in Nigeria will turn their face and pretend as if it’s no big deal when they see their man in the warm embrace of another woman. People have come to accept the practice of as normal. It is common to hear people conclude that polygamy “is the nature of men”.  In some instance, women even scout for mistresses for their men. In Africa, it is still very much a man’s world. Sadly, though.

In Mrs. Adesegan’s Nigerian home, as in most homes in this country, she had to contend with this reality. For over three years, the couple lived apart while her husband was posted out of Ibadan in Oyo State to Offa, in Kwara State. Mr. Adesegan utilized the opportunity of his new-found freedom to fraternize with other women. Within months, he abandoned his family in Ibadan and took solace in the bosom of other ladies in Offa. The popular saying “body no be wood”  was what compelled Mrs. Adesegan to go after her philandering husband; she had to hold body for over one year.

“When I got to Offa I upbraided him for leaving us behind in Ibadan, not even bothering to find out how we are coping. He just explained off with one excuse and the other, I was even the one that was pestering him to make love to me. What he said shocked me. He asked if I can boast that I had not been ‘finding a way out’ since he left me. I asked if that was what he had been doing and he said yes. When I look back now, I regret for that night. I was even the one that was begging him to make me feel like a woman”.

“That singular act is responsible for my present status as an HIV positive person now”, she said.

Her husband took ill several months after their night together.

“It started with a serious case of diarrhea. For close to two years it will come and go. Someone now suggested I take him for the test, I said which test and she said HIV. I reacted strongly. When I realized that his condition was not improving, I told him it is better we go to the hospital and seek help, but he refused bluntly, saying Jesus will heal him. I told him that I know that Jesus heals, but we still need to seek medical help, but he would not hear of it.  When it was obvious that things were getting out of hand I took him to the hospital, to the Teaching Hospital (UCH). It was not until the fourth day at the hospital that he knew where he was. At this point, it appeared he was going to die, and you can imagine, a man that has abandoned me for that long, I was the only one beside him.

He was a pitiable site, and people were praising me for standing by him. It was one of the doctors, after realizing that I was his wife, they advised that I also do the test. I agreed, and when I tested the test came positive. I was asked to commence drugs immediately. I guess that my CD4 count was low; it wasn’t that I fell sick or anything like that. After three months of commencing treatment, I did another test; my CD4 count read 719, comparable to those who are HIV negative. I take care of myself, I eat well, take multivitamins and I don’t stress myself. I have not developed any side effect till now, and I still work 24/7.

When the condition of my husband improved, he left us again, since 2003.”

How did she feel when the doctor told her she was positive?
“I was neither frightened nor confused. I knew I might have it since he has slept with me and the fact that they said it takes some time before it will manifest. You know, I have shared of my husband’s experience, shared of his pain and have unconsciously developed some kind of resistance. When I did the test I was not baffled anymore because I already knew I probably had it, it was only to confirm it. Then, before that time the doctors have discussed with me and have told me there are medications that can improve the condition and there were obvious changes in the state of health of my husband. So, I just took it in its stride.”

What helped her cope?
My children and God. Then while at the hospital with him I was introduced to Positive Life Association of Nigeria, PLAN. Here, I saw people with similar circumstances who are very healthy and happy. Joining this group really helped. Now, when people see us they doubt that we are HIV positive.

What are her worries?
The fact that I could stand by my husband despite the fact that he brought me all this pain and the moment he was able to stand again he abandoned us, yet again. You need to see this man treat me as if I was the one that brought the virus. I blame myself for going after him.

Her hope?
You can see how I look, not just how I look, but how I feel inside. I feel great, I have my job, and I still take care of my children and my mother at home. I have a lot of hope and I am certain things will be right.

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